You don't want to do anything with me that means effort on your part anymore. This sucks.

let me get what I want

College is killing me; too much stuff to do. Home life is also killing me; too much stuff to do, nothing I can do about any of it. Hate this feeling of uselessness.

I'm going to leave the blog for a bit because I don't want to be hugely self indulgent and use it to whine and moan about my problems. I know I don't have to use it for those things but, honestly, right now, the way my head is, that's all it would be. Post after post of the sorrowful Sarah show. Instead I'll just post the odd cute picture of Doug until my life is slightly more in order.

(This also means that people will stop resenting me for being so gosh darned depressed, despite me having complete reason to be! Whoop-de-freakin-doo)

sewing kit

Off to college in a bit, thank god. Should do me good to get out the house and interact with someone other than Douglas the kitten and my mum.

Originally, we were meant to be filming today, but my glorious group members haven't bothered to ask our actors when they're free, also, we're running a day late as they bought costumes yesterday, not Tuesday. Dang! Anyway, today, I'm taking my sewing kit in and we're going to have fun decorating our costumes. I hope they bought what I asked for and not just loads of props, as I'm in desperate need of plain T shirts and shorts for our superheroes.

Fingers crossed we film tomorrow afternoon, as I'm scared that we're the only group without any footage. I really don't want what happened with the documentary project to happen to this, where it was a few days before the thing had to be handed in, and we were still filming. And not, like, good filming or anything.. we got to the point where we were filming anything slightly relevant just so we could pack it in. Dreadful times.

I'm trying desperately to be more healthy and so I've had to say goodbye to Pringles (I'm so sorry, I love you, Texas BBQ), cut down on the Dr Pepper and wave farewell to Tesco Chicken Cesar wraps. Why do you unhealthy, awful things have to taste so freakin' good?! Anyway, along with that, I'm going to be cutting on my drinking as, not only is it unhealthy, but it turns me into a complete mess of a person, especially recently (the last two times I've been out, I've pretty much had a breakdown). I'm also going to be stopping smoking as, y'know, dreadful habit, unhealthy, aaaand I really really can't afford it. Don't even know when I started smoking, it just seemed to happen... Awf.

Right, Douglas is here, and is making it very hard to write anymore in this post as he keeps stomping across the keyboard and attacking the screen, so I'll go and finish getting ready for my return to college. Toodles!

Selfish!

Sometimes I tire of being the one who advises and is there for everyone else. I do love being able to help my friends, and it is a nice thing when people confide in me but the thing that sucks is when I have a problem, I may attempt to complain to someone else but it ends up going ignored and dismissed. I understand that many other people often don't know what to say or feel awkward in that kind of situation but argh!

I've decided to be a little bit selfish and take some time out from listening to everyone else because I really need to sort my own head out.

I haven't been in college for the past two days, partly because of cramp (lush) and the headaches that accompany said cramp (previously migraines, but medication put a stop to those bad boys) but also because, well, I just feel dreadful in myself. As a person, I have a tendency to mope and get buried in my problems, and I find it really hard to get out of bad moods. Often, I'd rely on other people to pull me out of it but, as I've said, other people aren't really being much help right now. This isn't technically their fault, I know, and it does sound petty for me to be whining about it but, maaaan, just for once I want someone to let me vent and be angry and sad and not have to constantly hold it together because that doesn't work, as I've learned. If you keep it all pushed inside, you blow up. So, instead of having my friends as, I don't know, a bomb defuser, I'm going to use this blog. Yeah, I realise I initially wanted this for talking about my radio antics (which will happen, I promise, but podcast plans have been put on hold considering I have two major projects going on at the same time) but I really need to talk about my feelings, cringe, and if it's not to someone, it's got to be to someTHING. So yes, unfortunate readers, the next few blogs will probably just me being hugely upset or angry or both. Enjoy.

I'm feeling pretty miserable today. That is allllll.

Douglas!

In an attempt to try and lighten the gloomy tone my blog has taken, I think I should introduce Douglas

So this is shit

My boyfriend, who I've mentioned many times before, is going to university in London this year. This means that we're breaking up. Well, not immediately.. I think, last night, the general consensus was that it'll be when I'm finished my FMP at college as I'm shit and can't cope with a break up and a final major project at the same time. Er. This sucks, majorly.

I'm not writing this for attention seeking purposes, I'm just trying to find different ways to cope with it and i think writing about it will help, however, right now I'm not going to go into details or write more about it than this because I know Tom'll read this and I don't really want to make things worse.

I think I'm going to get rid of the romantic side of my life, haha, because it's too hard and scary and painful (mope mope mope). I'll just do something good with my life like become a superhero or own a cattery. Speaking of cats, I get Douglas (full name: Lord Douglas von Cattington of Purrvale) soon. Not really sure when because I'm still in bed, avoiding social contact with my mum after she sat up until about half four this morning waiting for me to get in, only to have me cry all over her, and I'm still slightly drunk which makes me more scared to encounter another human being as I'll be completely useless.

Honestly, I've lost all social skills. Ada's trying to talk to me about her own romantic interests on MSN and I'm being so shite. I apologise, Adelaide, but everything that involves effort from me is now a lost cause. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Oh, the BBQ yesterday wasn't as good as we planned. It was FREEZING and not many people ended up coming. That said, it was pretty alright, and I enjoyed hiding from the wind by huddling behind the bull statue and trying to get more drunk so we wouldn't feel temperature.

My mum hates you for upsetting me and I'm sure I'm soon to follow.

I'm quite the mess

Friday was an horrific drunk mess with people punching other people and crying and serious discussions. Nevermind.

Today is Sunday and we're having a BBQ and then going out on the evening.. To be perfectly honest, I don't really know if I'm up to it but I need to get out the house and do something and before Friday I was really really looking forward to this. Let's just hope it's a good day, yeah?

Tomorrow I get my new kitten, Douglas. I'm so excited for him. Although this makes me completely pathetic, he's really the only thing I'm happy about at the moment. Apart from Gibraltar, but that's a while away. Yeah, I sound horrendously stupid now but fuck it.

When I get to sleep I'll dream again of canopies and grapes
And wake shaking from the knowledge that the mattress holds your shape
I assume my phone is dead because it hasn't rung for months
If tomorrow is the funeral do you think that you could come?
I could give you back your music and your t-shirts and your socks
Walk to Jazz's house in SOHO cry into her letter box
Spend some time out to resuscitate my soul
Take up smoking and drink carrot juice and grow
Teach the mattress to expel you from its folds
Then dry my eyes and keep on walking til the motion makes me strong
Until one day i realise I don't remember that you're gone
We'll be strangers
who were lovers
I'll recover
It's so weird how time goes on